Need a break

Dear bloggie,

I need a kit kat...

Feel worn out, like my very soul is dissolving into molecules. Took a jog at Taman Rakyat Andalas tis evening. Been almost 1/2 year since I last jog there. So fast time past... I still recall the days when I used to jog regularly there during my freelance era. Unlike back then, I felt heavy on my heart. I thought I couldn't get anymore confuse about life, but it seems things just get more and more confusing...

What, Where, Why, Who, How? I seem to have forgotten these question that used to haunt my thoughts... Asking myself these question, over the years... I built my own fortress of logic, philosophy, faith, ideals, feelings... Yet I realize they crumble and falter upon the great maze of contradiction of reality. It's feels as if I can't even take for granted simple thing such as what is white and black color anymore? What is black anyway? Color code #FFFFF? In the end, is the black I'm talking about here the same as the black you are thinking off when you read this? Things I feel, only exists when we create it in our mind. When we pour our emotion to someone, we give birth to "love". When we think of who created us, we give birth to "god". When we try to define what we know and don't know, we give birth to "reality". And here I was about to make my definition of reality "Reality is nothing but an illusion we conjure up in our mind" only to realize this statement is also applies to itself and ironic shoot itself on it's foot... Perhaps there is truth in the teaching of "Zen", which sorta goes "If you can explain Zen in words, then that is not Zen".

I feel like I need to hide away as a hermit away from all this madness. I just feel like swept away by the torrent around me. Being toss up and down by the waves till nothing really matters anymore. Feel so helpless, yet again so "void" from perhaps unnecessary thoughts. Even if this whole world is to end tomolo... I fear I would still feel apathetic towards it, and to certain degree perhaps welcome it...

I need a time out, a short break to realign myself to my center of gravity before my mind and soul really fly out of the orbit of being a human...