Who da heck is tis f*ckin bastard b*tchin in tis blog?
It strike me today, while I was driving home in my car a strange thought... Who really am I?
I ponder about the reality of being a human being living in the 21st century...
I ponder about the mask I have to wear...
I ponder about the real person tat is behind this mask...
It been so long since I forgotten Buddhism 8 path teachings,
Right View, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, Right Concentration... Wow, How I fallen...
1. View
Do I have Xray vision
Do I have the wisdom of Gandalf the Grey? Nope.
Do I view this world in binary codes like Neo? Nope.
Do I know to view a pretty chick when I see one? Uhhh, yes...
Do I know life is suffering? yes.
Do I know things is impermanent? Yes.
Do I understand life? No...
2. Intention
To rate something, one need to understand wtf is something 1st. So what is good intention?
Resistance to the pull of desire
Resistance to feelings of anger and aversion
Not to think or act cruelly, violently, or aggressively, and to develop compassion.
Hahaha... I guess if bad is the total opposite of good, I'm definitely can be consider to have bad intention.
3. Speech
Do I lie, yes.
Do chiung sui (sing bad @ backstab or gossip) people, yes.
Do I hurt people with words, yes.
Do I talk speak the truth, friendly, warm and gentle only when I'm forced to, yes...
I ponder how someone that prefers to keep my golden mouth shut can fail so miserably here.
4. Action
Sometimes I harm others, sometimes I taken what is not given to me, sometimes I have sexual misconducts (Common, U think I'm gay meh!?)...
Sometimes I have been kind to others, sometimes I respect other belongings, sometimes I keep sexual relationship harmless to others...
Sometimes I wonder what being sometimes in all these things put me in a karma meter?
5. Livelihood
Do I earn my bread and butter by sinning to others? I dunno. Yes and no? Am I bringing misfortune to someone else by writing my sh*tty piece of code? Yes. My MLM freelance job, I can probably be consider as a firearm dealer, providing a means for MLM companies to bring misfortune to someone. But really, who doesn't harm others to survive? A monk? Does a monk need to eat too? True, a monk eat vegetables, but isn't a plant a living being too? Hell, even if it isn't, is not a plant home to other small insects and etc. U harvest the plant, u destroy the home of these living being noes? Bring misfortunes to other noes in a way? I guess it depends on how deep u wanna traverse the cause and effect tree.
6. Effort
Have I done any effort to promote/practice the teaching above? Definitely no.
7. Mindfulness
Is my mind present, open, quiet, and alert, contemplating the present event? No, my f*ckin mind is f*ckin LOST somewhere. In the past? In the future? In the fantasy world? I dunno...
8. Concentration
Can I focus, unified and direct my mind to a single object/objective? No, my train of thoughts is often scattered here and there. Heck, u just need read tis blog entry to know how far my original intention to b*tch bout how f*ckin f*cked up I am which somehow degenerated into a reflection of myself from the angle of 8 Miracle Steps of Buddha.
Amazing really how I forgotten about these Buddhism sh*t due to the passage of time. I mean, it's just been a f*ckin 5 years. 5 years and honestly I can't believe I'm actually way worst off from back then. Sure, I'm no where near good in all 8 paths back then, but I had emptiness and detachment sorta prevents me from doing some of the many sins in the list above. I guess the "distractions" pass these few years have changed me... Maybe not for the better but I'm perhaps happy somehow, I'm not a rock stuck in a river, moving nowhere.
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