Lost Lamb

Dear bloggie,



One of my favourite's "Gundam" song... Love the violin and haunting vocals. Give u a feel of sorrow, helplessness, empathy, hopefulness, missing someone and walking away from everything... Or maybe I'm just echoing what I feel inside into this song...

Bewarn: Super emo post from here one, stop reading if u dun wanna risk to be infected by my emo, depressed, nihilistic ranting...

I can't believe I'm actually taking an EL just to blog... But I feel drained, unable to operate as my brain just can't boot up from safe mode (Yet again maybe I can... cause I operate without my brain to begin with).

It's hard, really hard... This rot/disease/decay in my body, mind and soul... The thought of suicide actually flashed across my mind, to take a blind leap of faith from the ledge of a mall into the cold icy earth a couple of days ago... To put an end to this pathetic excuse of what I call meaningless life. But as usual, fear and rational + logic keep me (and most people) at bay. I lost count of how many times this has occur, and frankly speaking am afraid one day, my other self... the maniacal Mr Hype [Insert darth vader laughing here] would suddenly popup at the wrong time and I would jump in head first like I'd done in somethings.

I like to fabricate this fake belief that if I was meant to kick the bucket, I would have been cremated a couple of year back already. Yet, the thought having being spared from dead for a meaning sort of losses it appeal or significance... Maybe I was spare not for something good but perhaps for something bad. Maybe in my previous life, I accumulated ALOT of bad karma... Hence I can't kick the bucket until I suffer enuff to clear this karma debt first. And there's always the belief that even if I die, I can't really escape this meaningless suffering, I would be reborn and suffer all over again (I'm a believer of reincarnation ok).

Most people would probably deem me as either mentally retarded @$$clown with nothing better to think or someone with a really loose screw up there... Personally, I view myself so too... I did this online Rorschach test, and the result was quite surprising...

Sickness Quotient: 69%
Hmmm, your "Sickness Quotient" of 69% is a little worriesome.

Interpersonal Insights
You never give up and refuse to settle for less than the best. In other words, you're impossible to please and you never shutup. You have delusions of adequacy which are completely unfounded. You couldn't pour tea out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel.

Job Performance & Attitude
Your work is of so little value they should just put a shredder in place of your Out basket You have little empathy for anyone more successful at work than you, which is pretty much everyone.

Personality Insight
Your personal motto is "If you can’t make them think, make them wonder." Trust us- you've succeeded beyond your wildest dreams.

Now that I read this diagnosis, I think quite true cept the Personality Insight thingy which I have no f*ckin idea meaning is wat... So after a google:

"If you can’t make them think, make them wonder."
rephrased is
"If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullsh*t.
which is soooo "me"

Anyway, I think I ranted enuff to get some of this load of my chest/back/heart/etc... So here I am, sitting alone blogging as my onli means to express myself, wondering and b*tchin why my life sux so hard and yet the worst part is perhaps is despite knowing all that, I'm not lifting a finger to change any of that... I'm just here, like a stone... Remaining motionless/lifeless/stuck in this flowing river...